Only questions, no answers

Disclaimer: this post was not intended to hurt anybody, it is merely a reflection of some recent thoughts I have had.  They have grown from the study I am doing regarding critical pedagogy.  The personal history stands on memory alone, it may be inaccurate. 

On a discussion forum recently, I tried participating as a Pakeha amongst Māori regarding bicultural discrimination.  In this discussion, though it was online, I sensed myself as ‘other’ by the silence of my peers in response to my comments.  I shared my personal history with Māori kōrero: an eagerness to learn to speak at school which couldn’t be fully realised.  I only heard kōrero during Māori class and snippets as part of media or at meetings.  It was not enough to fully gain it, I needed to practice and have more immersion so I ended up giving up up after 5^th form (15 years old).  My Grandparents were anti us learning it at school and our parents suggested we try not to bring it up when we visited him.  If it came up at their house, we heard negative, largely racist thoughts.  Yet my Poppa was involved in his local Marae, often attending various important functions, I was told he was respected there.  My father had Māori friends when he was at school, his best man was Māori.   As an adult and teacher, I continue to feel distant from Māori, incapable of giving the kōrero and culture its full deserve in the classroom, feeling like an outsider.
  

I have begun to wonder about my grandfather’s attitude.  I would like to know what he saw at school.  Were Māori children allowed to speak Māori at school in that generation?  Did they even try to any more?  I’m almost positive they wouldn’t have been allowed, it had been forbidden early on in NZ school's history and there had been no reason to change that yet.  What questions did he have as a child that were silenced by corporate punishment, teachers at his school, and people close to him?  He was such a loving man.  Did he love without questioning the way things were?  Did he grow tired of questioning? Or did he not realise he had questions? 

I also wonder about people who appear to have lost - or never found - their Māori culture, including Jbird.  He had no desire to learn Māori at school, he could not see it as beneficial in any way.  Yet he is enough Māori to gain a scholarship at university for his heritage.  Where did his culture go?  His great great grandmother was full Māori, family photos show her with a moko in amongst only Pakeha.  Was that the deal, that she silence her culture to marry a Pakeha? Or was it already silenced?

 

Pakeha - White New Zealander

Māori - indigenous people of New Zealand

Kōrero - language

Marae - meeting house 

Moko - tribal tattoo