I am courageous

I do not always love teaching.  In fact, I think I can safely say that there have been more moments where I have simply hated teaching than there have been the opposite, moments of pure joy in my profession.  Maybe it's just that those horrible moments are the ones I remember.  I have often wondered what was so wrong with me that I couldn't just get it right. Or when this 'hard phase' would pass and I would be able to teach with the ease of the experienced and wise.  

During my first, death defying year of teaching, I was told that it should take about six years to feel like I was in my own skin.  The idea of five more years of...what I can only describe as a visit to hell and back...was almost soul destroying.  Almost.  I cried a lot and then I got a new job, with some music responsibilities, and I carried on.  Into another hard year.  Then I had a six month music teaching job and felt almost cherished by the staff, and enjoyed some great musical moments, so things were a bit better.  But they weren't great.  I still felt like when it came to teaching, I was running backwards up a muddy hill.  Then I taught internationally.  It was during that time that I had my favourite class I have ever taught.  This class seemed inspired by myself and their peers and I finally felt like I was actually teaching more than I wasn't, that it was almost effortless.  Unfortunately, the thing that stands out the most about that class is that it didn't really have any children with major behaviour issues.  So then I attribute my success to that - not having to 'deal' with a naughty kid.  Having a dream class - one that every teacher dreams of.

I'm reading an amazing book about this at the moment.  It has outlined my problem as my own fear.  A fear of being fearful, a fear of inadequacy.  The author tells me I will always feel this fear, and that I should always feel it, because if I don't, I will probably no longer be trying to relate to my students.  And if I am able to embrace my fear, I will have integrity and know my own identity.  It's a beautiful book to read.  Even though it's called The Courage to Teach*, I think it's equally applicable for any profession.  Don't tell me you never feel afraid.  Or perhaps you are not aware of your fear.  

This book, and this Masters degree, and these years where I've only visited teaching for a few months at a time, have helped me know that I do want to be a teacher.  But also that it's a hard career and I'm glad for the break, for the time to study and think.  But I will be back in the classroom one day.

*By Parker J. Palmer