A change to my letters

I have been waiting since October to find out whether I have completed all the requirements to graduate with a Masters of Education.  The first half of the degree was completed at a different university, ten years ago, has since been discontinued, and offered some questionable classes (i.e.: where they at the Masters level?) so there was some question as to whether I could use it or whether I would need to do another year of study.  The university had told me about a year ago - after signing off on it and then re-questioning it - that it would qualify.  However, I felt sceptical about whether they would remember and/or hold to that decision.  In short, I didn't want to let myself relax until they finalised it just in case my hopes were dashed.  As Jbird says, I am prone to: When in doubt, panic.  He is the opposite, the lucky guy, being more prone to: When in doubt, stop thinking about it.

I got a letter from my university today.  It tells me that not only do I qualify, I also passed with distinction.  This is an unexpected added bonus - I hadn't done so well on two of the four classes, only receiving B+s, and was sure I wouldn't qualify for the distinction.

So now the letters will change.  I was Annabel J. Short.  Then I became Annabel J. Short, B.Ed., Post Grad. Dip. Ed. (Music).  That last segment was so confusing.  Nobody ever knew what it meant and I was forever explaining: it's half a Masters in teaching music.  I can go back and finish the Masters whenever I want to.  Despite the confusion, it got me two great music teaching jobs just when I wanted and needed them.  

NOW I am Annabel J. Bird (nee Short), B.Ed., M.Ed. (Teaching and Learning).  A little more distinguished and a little simpler.

Pre-reading

It's the end: I've handed in two out of three papers and am proof-reading the last right now.  I'm not sure about this last one; it's not my best work.  I hope it's not my worst, I want to pass and be done with it.  I have found the style of writing for this class all but impossible.  It's a psychology class and the detail they're interested in reading is not the detail I'm interested in writing.  I've tried to come to a compromise of sorts, where I write what they want and not what I want.  If you could call that a compromise.    But because I know I'm probably off the track, I've also sent it into a great service at my school to be pre-read.  I sent one other paper in and they gave me all sorts of great advice, and pointed out some errors I'd made in formatting along the way.  I was interested in that paper though, and enjoyed improving it further.  The problem with this paper is I probably won't want to take the advice once I get it.  Somehow my motivation was lost back in June for this class and there was no getting it back.  It's interesting to me because for a little while I was throwing around the notion of doing a doctorate in Educational Psychology.  There's no way I'm touching that with a barge pole now. 

Nearing the end

Two weeks ago, I wrote about my currently rather dull existence.  Since then, I've been camping, baked some, and bought more fruit.  I am guilty of promising myself that I'd spend at least thirty minutes outdoors everyday but this didn't happen.  It got cold and I couldn't be bothered.  When I think of my life right now, despite little respites, it has been worse than ever.  I wear the same clothes every day and my days are spent watching t.v., playing computer games, eating, and studying.  In other words, NOT MOVING.  I have become a sloth.  There are days when I only leave the house to get the mail.  Sometimes that is the most disappointing part of my day because it's then that I realise what a lovely day it is but I have no incentive to stay out.  Yesterday I got up and got dressed for church but decided I would stay at home to work.  It was a surprisingly productive morning so I was happy despite my lack of human contact.  The eating seems especially bad because it involves my whole day.  I am a hobbit with morning tea, and elevensies; lunch, and second lunch.  

But the end is REALLY CLOSE.  I can TASTE IT.  I handed in the first assignment two days ago.  I can hardly believe it.  I am finishing a draft of another today and then I will be writing just for the last (and most stinky) class.  And that's it.  Between now and becoming a Master, we're driving to Baltimore and back for Marie and Jeff's wedding.  It will be a lovely crazy week. 

An anniversary

Today is the first anniversary for aneverydaythought.  When I started writing in this space, we were new to town and I was happy to find something to challenge me as I tried to fill the void of friendships and activities that moving town brings.  I have been surprised that I haven't exactly run out of ideas, though some weeks are better than others.  I have to admit that I used to spend a lot more time editing my writing on here as I felt like it was one the most important things about publishing work.  Unfortunately my editing has slacked off a lot.  Or perhaps I got faster at it.  Whichever it is, I want to step up my game.  

Glasses raised to a year.  xx

Theories of learning

In my studies, I have been surprised to find that while current teaching theory is based on socio-constructivist theory, where students are active in their learning and not passive, behaviourist theory still resides within the psychologist's world of bad behaviour.  My question is, how do we overcome this paradox?  We're told the students should plan, learn, and assess their classes together, but that we should treat the 'naughty' ones like Pavlov and his dogs.  That is, reinforce good behaviour with a smile and praise, and any bad behaviour by ignoring them.  I guess it's more complicated than that, but I was really hoping for a modern secret to dealing with naughty children in the classroom when I chose to take this behaviour management class.  I guess there isn't one.  

Experience has shown me that there are ways to tell a child they're not meeting your expectations that they'll be more likely to listen to.  Avoid shouting from across the classroom, or even from higher up than them.  Instead, proximity and being at their eye level work better as you're less intimidating and they're not getting the attention from the whole class.  Instructions on a more desired behaviour are helpful too.  I was such a shouter when I first started teaching.  Not just because I was at the end of my tether and had no other ideas, but also because teachers around me did the same and I was learning from them.  I hated it, the students hated it, it wasn't a very nice atmosphere.   

Pressure

So here's part of my issues: I have three huge assignments to do and they're due in...a little over a month.  Oh gosh.  I thought I had a bit longer.  My plan is to write and write and write.  But I've been really slow about getting started so it feels like the pressure is on.  Hopefully I have learned enough this year that it will be easy.  Unfortunately if I've learned anything this year, I've learned that writing takes me a lot of time, a lot of drafts, and a lot of rereading.  I am putting up heavy socialising boundaries until November as they are due between the 14th and the 24th of October.  So overwhelming.  I hope aneverydaythought.blogspot.com survives the crunch.

The rest of the crisis is unimaginable, I literally don't know how big it is myself, but I will know on Thursday when I hope it will all be done and dusted.  I will (probably) spill the beans about it then.  The thing is, on that side of things, it will either still need a lot of working out, or it will still be super uninteresting for all those not going through it.  Sorry to be so vague.  Just know that if you never find out, you can probably ask me in person and I'll tell you.

I am courageous

I do not always love teaching.  In fact, I think I can safely say that there have been more moments where I have simply hated teaching than there have been the opposite, moments of pure joy in my profession.  Maybe it's just that those horrible moments are the ones I remember.  I have often wondered what was so wrong with me that I couldn't just get it right. Or when this 'hard phase' would pass and I would be able to teach with the ease of the experienced and wise.  

During my first, death defying year of teaching, I was told that it should take about six years to feel like I was in my own skin.  The idea of five more years of...what I can only describe as a visit to hell and back...was almost soul destroying.  Almost.  I cried a lot and then I got a new job, with some music responsibilities, and I carried on.  Into another hard year.  Then I had a six month music teaching job and felt almost cherished by the staff, and enjoyed some great musical moments, so things were a bit better.  But they weren't great.  I still felt like when it came to teaching, I was running backwards up a muddy hill.  Then I taught internationally.  It was during that time that I had my favourite class I have ever taught.  This class seemed inspired by myself and their peers and I finally felt like I was actually teaching more than I wasn't, that it was almost effortless.  Unfortunately, the thing that stands out the most about that class is that it didn't really have any children with major behaviour issues.  So then I attribute my success to that - not having to 'deal' with a naughty kid.  Having a dream class - one that every teacher dreams of.

I'm reading an amazing book about this at the moment.  It has outlined my problem as my own fear.  A fear of being fearful, a fear of inadequacy.  The author tells me I will always feel this fear, and that I should always feel it, because if I don't, I will probably no longer be trying to relate to my students.  And if I am able to embrace my fear, I will have integrity and know my own identity.  It's a beautiful book to read.  Even though it's called The Courage to Teach*, I think it's equally applicable for any profession.  Don't tell me you never feel afraid.  Or perhaps you are not aware of your fear.  

This book, and this Masters degree, and these years where I've only visited teaching for a few months at a time, have helped me know that I do want to be a teacher.  But also that it's a hard career and I'm glad for the break, for the time to study and think.  But I will be back in the classroom one day.

*By Parker J. Palmer

Spring break?

I'm on spring break!  Confused?  Did I ever tell you to turn the world upside down and you'd be able to understand NZ's seasons?  Then you will also have to remember that I'm studying through a NZ university.  I'm having a home-vacation where I don't allow myself to feel guilty when I'm not studying, and I do much less study each day than I normally do.  In fact, I did none at all on Tuesday...until the evening.  But I don't have a novel to read so I had to read something before I went to sleep, and it's an interesting book, even if it is for a class - Preparing Teachers for the Changing World.  Very insightful.  

The thing is, I'm so close to finishing, I'm not sure that I need a proper holiday as I will be on an endless, no-end-in-sight holiday soon enough.  Of the type that will not quite kill me.  Or perhaps I'll be able to handle it this time around, we'll see.  

Yesterday I popped some popcorn and dragged Jbird along to the movies to see Hit and Run.  I quite liked the fast cars and the silly jokes.  Next week I want to see The Campaign which I expect to be a true replica of an American Campaign.  I've also been baking, seeing friends for coffee, and if you're looking for me, you'll probably find me on the couch watching telly. 

On handing in some work, being a klutz, and motivation

I'm handing in an essay today.  There was a point when I was proof reading this essay that I was in tears because I thought my writing was so awful.  My encouraging husband told me it's because my writing has improved a lot but so have my expectations.  My feelings of frustration come because I want my writing to be better than it is, but he tells me it's already better than other things I've recently written.  Good teaching on his part, teachers have to be motivators. This is an example of wanting to be able to do something straight away, wanting to avoid the inevitable klutziness of developing a new skill.  My lecturer had me read something about that just this week.  It seems obvious, right?  Yet if we don't have motivation, good guidance, or know how to progress, we reject these feelings of klutziness and give up.  

Back to the essay: I finished it last week but a wise sage (a.k.a.: Jbird) once said to me when I suggested I might hand something in early: Annabel, think of it as a piece of art, keep working on it for as much time as you have because it will never be perfect.  He then went on a spiel about his piano playing.  He does like to preach and he says some pretty good stuff.  Unfortunately, I'm not always patient enough to listen.  So I've read and reread this tedious piece of work for the last few days and today is 'D' day.  It's a funny journey.  Now that I'm handing it in, I'm less sure than ever that I'm on the right track.  It seems that my writing has been whittled down to the simplest terms and I've begun to wonder whether it has enough depth.  I probably know it too well. 

Only three more of these to go and I'm done with this degree.  Hooray!

Endless cups of tea

I have met a lot of people who are working on their masters and around the middle of it they have made me think glad it's not me! They don't seem to be anywhere near the end, and they hate what they're doing.  It's part of the reason I chose course work instead of writing a thesis.  That huge, unachievable outcome seems like too much.  

I'm around the start of another assignment writing mania and I have so many books out of the library, I can't keep track of them. So many downloaded research papers, I don't know what I have.  So many ideas, they don't seem to mould together.  I get up every morning with the potential of a new day but it slips away under my fingers and I don't feel as though I've achieved anything.  It's overwhelming. 

I think, hope, that it's a good overwhelming.  One that I'll eventually see the other end of.  Right now, I can't see how that could be.  But in a month, I'll be over the moon and will potentially breath a little bit easier again.

I received a grade back this week and my lecturer had written something like: One of the best, most reflective, I have read of this kind in years...etc.  Every single column in the marking grid had the word exemplary.  I mean, have you ever?  I have not.  It sent me into a spin of euphoria but I'm coming out of it with the thoughts: these (new) assignments are so much harder, bigger, longer, how can I ever compete with that?

Watching The Hours last night did not help things.  If you have not seen it, I recommend it.  Except, maybe, if you're in the middle of writing anything.  Merely considering the writer and her outcome.

A busy silly week

This week is a busy week.  I'm simultaneously 'at-home-mum' to two little rugrats and writing two assignments (I handed the first of three in last Saturday).  They are at daycare for a few hours each day but I can't write while they're awake and with me.  It's my job, after all, to care for them and entertain them.  These work hours popped up out of nowhere so I thought I should take them, even though I'm busy with school, as our work will probably diminish considerably over the summer.  How do you mums do it?  I guess I'm used to the quiet life style, where my own procrastinating ways are the only thing standing in my way.

Fish n Chips

We bought two little fishies last week.  They're our celebration fish as we managed to get the student allowance from studylink, NZ, for my degree.  My situation is unusual so the application process was a bit touch and go. 

We've called them Fish n Chips to remind us of home.  They're blue, orange, and silver, and were really little when we got them but have already grown considerably.  It's interesting to see how busy they are, all the time, swimming around in their little bowl.  Sometimes chasing each other and even nipping at each other, other times just following the other around, or swimming alone.  It's captivating to watch and our students have been drawn to them too.  

It's nice to have this little commitment, another reminder that we're here for at least two more years, though I don't hold high expectations on our ability to keep them alive that long. 

Zotero

My professor wanted me to pay for and download a particular bibliography/referencing software which was linked to the university's online resources and heavily discounted for students - Endnote.  I wanted to yell at somebody: please stop taking my money and decided I would create my own table system within Mword.  It looked really lame.  Endnote sounded like it'd take all the thinking out of creating an APA style bibliography as required for all classes in my program but lets be honest, my bibliographies have always been fine and they don't take all that much thinking.

A few days later, someone from the university suggested downloading the free program: Zotero.  I did.  It works!  I input the data and click on some buttons, finally pasting directly onto my Mword document and voila, a lovely bibliography appears.  All italics, punctuation, line spacing and positioning of data in its correct place.  Loverly.

Teachers that stretch

I read this quote by Piaget (1980) today: 

Education, for most people, means trying to lead the child to resemble the typical adult of his [sic] society (but)...for me education means making creators, even if there aren't many of them, even if one's creations are limited by comparison with those of others.

It was the opening quote within a chapter of my textbook discussing aesthetic education through the arts.  The chapter had a bunch of really intense ideas which I'll need to read over to consolidate them to my brain but it has made me think a few things.  My favourite thought is: True creativity (and indeed, aesthetics) is hard to teach.  It requires teachers to have high self-efficacy, to be risk takers, to have a willingness to explore borderlines of the status quo etc. etc. 

Thanks, Piaget, I feel ready for bigger and better things. 

On Hold

I am on hold with my university.  Earlier today, I was on hold with a possible scholarship provider.  They are both NZ companies and they both think they can play the same generic NZ dub beats to me each time I call them as I sit for 20+ minutes and I won't be annoyed.  

Well.  I am.  Partially because the sound quality is terrible, and every 20 seconds they pause it to tell me they'll be with me shortly and a new song starts. I'm also annoyed because I have more paperwork to complete that nobody pointed out to me.  The process of applying for this scholarship has taken two months.  It's like trying to climb through a giant tub of spaghetti. 

It has been shortly.  They are not with me.  I hardly ever get to listen to dub in an organic context, this is a sad replacement.

Here We Go

I have prepared the study, drawn up an action plan outlining each course with readings and assignments.  Jbird put into use an old little flat screen t.v. as my dual computer screen.  The book shelf is loaded with books and course material.  School starts on the 27th but I've decided there's nothing stopping me from getting a head start and I started reading yesterday.

For those people out there who're interested, my courses this year are: Facing Big Questions in Education, Assessment for Learning and Teaching, and Understanding Learners with Behaviour Difficulties.  They are full year courses, asking for three essays each, finishing sometime in October.

Ahhhh...so much learning to be done.